merv*style

Blogging from Tim teh's house. My computer broke down and i can't post.. perhaps it's time to spent more time thinking before jotting them down.. and I'll be able to sort out my thoughts and find areas of application, especially where I lack of it.

Studied physics with eric, jeesiang and timothy today. We had quite a reasonable discussion today, and nothing beats companionship with a talk-cock session again haha... Not to mention a few "distractions"! No lar... I don't think it's nice to call other people that. It's just my screwed up nature with girls haha.. Don't really click well with the opposite sex i guess.

Sometimes I wished things could be much simpler, without too much complexity. Then again, life would be so utterly boring. You've got to love the ups and downs in life. I'm lovin it! Oh, and discussions always make me more confident and steadfast in my stand, cause there's so much more to learn from others and about myself. Dine and Whine at Sumo Bento Holland V! haha... nice catchy slogan? it's really a conducive environment to rofl, lmao, crap, and talk serious matters.

All the talking went on with other AC people around. I felt rather uncomfortable at first cause we were touching on a sensitive issue. Maybe not on my side but I think we should have considered about others implicated. I went a little pinkish too chatting about myself but the important thing is that I'm growing up. Or maybe I just have to realize it.

Sometimes, I tend to be over-enthusiastic in taking my stand for Christ. Then I go on and on about what the Christian stand is. It's not wrong, but I'm afraid that I may not be able to live up to it, resulting in hypocrisy. It's like you know what to do but you don't do it. Still, I hope to impact those around me by setting a good example, although that's arguable. And I seem to contradict myself in actions but that's not what my heart tells me. I used to equate this to confusion... but now I would attribute it to a double perspective.

You can always argue for what you think it's right, but you can't change the truth from the fact. I choose to depend on God for answers which questions divinity. Take it to Him in a quiet word of prayer.

Tuition is always fun at Mr Chin's place. He treated us to his goodies again haha... Anyway while having lunch with Jee Siang and Eric at Clementi Mac today, they called me "Pastor Lee" for being preachy. Haha.. I know they mean well and I'm actually quite delighted but I don't have that level of spiritual maturity yet. Made me think of Reverend John Tan when he was in the police force. People used to call him pastor tan. Anyway, being ostracized is common to the Christian but we should never be ashame of our stand because we have a duty to carry the cross that Christ himself carried. Oh, and it's not only the pastor or reverend or ministry worker's job to reach out to others, teach, rebuke and correct others =P. And Wingfat seemed to be in a bad mood again.. stormed off to eat alone. You fine or not? A's finishing already lar after that we go play ok?

I didn't spend the 1 hr which I dedicated to studying the topic today. ARgh.. I lack the commitment. Although my web browser was in chaos, no excuse I guess, cause I was playing away. merv*sigh haha.. merv*style way

oh.. and jee siang says my blog is like a girl's one.. haha... does that make me gay? I really enjoy penning down my feelings. Helps me to organize my thoughts. Fun to remember the activities I did too... and juz fer fun, on a scale of 1 - 10, where 1 is being most manly and 10 being most feminine, do rate my blog haha... jee siang go ahead... do what you got to do.

crap... my IE browser can't browse my blog. Time to download Mozilla... and it's too late to blog noooOO!! Gd luck to chem people on your paper 1 tmr.

oh and my comp is screwing up again.. overheating all the time cause my graphic card fan dying again. Got to get that excess heat off by having an electrical fan blow direct over an open casing haha...

Randy did these questions which I adopted and omitted some redundant ones. I've learnt more about myself through answering the questions below. Why don't you try them too?

1. Have you ever been in love?
Yes. Though I've been attracted by a few girls before, I would say I have only been in love once.

2. How do you know its love?
Actually, I don't really know. It brings me both joy and pain. I think about her constantly. I pray for her. The only closest thing I know about it is probably I am willing to hold on to it, regardless the circumstances. I've tried asking God too but I haven't got a absolute reply. Perhaps I'm not receptive enough or this is a grey area where I have to make my own choice.

3. What makes you fall in love?
Meeting the girl of my dreams lol. Maybe the question should be "What made me fall in love?". The first time I bumped into her was in a Econs remedial session. Then, Wing Fat point to a girl sitting in front from the other class and ask me if she was chio. I didn't even take notice of her LOL. I said "ok lar" without even looking. She didn't leave any impression on me. I couldn't even remember seeing her then cause I was in "mugger" mode? haha.. I would say the first time I met her would be during the 2002 Openhouse at the TechCouncil booth where we were giving free photo-taking service. Her smile. oh and that voice of hers is captivating. Her beauty. Her bright and cheerful outlook. the list goes on and on... All just at a moment's glance. Then again, I've seen her more over time. There's more than just her outer appearance. Demure, pleasant personality, knows how to be serious, integrity, .... then again all this are just from looking into her eyes, where others may judge as superficial. My friends tell me not to stare at her. The rationale is that I want to discover more about her, at the same time I want her to take notice of me. That's stalkish? the dictionary meaning of stalk: To follow or observe (a person) persistently, especially out of obsession or derangement. The motive is different and doesn't harbour ill meaning, thus stalker is definitely not the word to describe me.

4. What turns you on (at 1st sight)?
Young, Wild, Cute, Innocent. Haha used to quote that. Young - at heart, Wild - adventurous, sporty and twisted in the mind. lewd i would say but proper. Cute - adorable, fun to be with and the man's general definition. Innocent - holy in the eyes of God. Not naive, but decent. And of course the most basic of requirements: chio - beautiful in my eyes. Then again, maybe it's the smile? Subjective.

5. Are you the jealous type?
No. How do I know? The girl I like hangs out with so many cool guys but I don't feel threatened. The closest thing may be envy but it's too strong a word. I only long to be in the position to talk to her as others are able to. Also, I believe in trust in a relationship, not that I have one anyway.

6. Body or brains?
Body. But not a retard to begin with please.

7. Do looks matter?
Yes they do, initially. I want a pretty girlfriend, then I can say I have a chio girlfriend haha... As time passes, looks fade. Looks aren't the most important, but they give the first impression.

8. What turns you off?
Hypocrisy. However, I have a tremendous capacity to withstand turn-offs. I just keep mum about them cause I'm probably one myself in some people's eyes. Ugliness. But I'd rather see the beautiful side of someone, then nullifying whatever bad impressions that usually comes.

9. The perfect date?
oooOO... evening, setting sun, a lonesome beach, sparkling sand, breezy winds, light enfolding waves, lighted candles around, a lacy translucent white tent (without a roof cover, just the support and nicely tucked up curtains)... haha in a fantasy world perhaps. Frankly, just to be with the one I love will be enough. Another noble cliche answer? Nope. Just my feelings.

10. What do you have that will make a person fall for u?
A close walk with God. Passion. Zeal. Devotion. The willingness to sacrifice. Humour. Energy. Maybe some girls may think I'm handsome? hahah... maybe not. I don't have much tangible assets, but I'm glad those intangible ones aren't too far away from my grasp.

11. Do you still believe in courtship?
Yes and No. Yes because it strengthens a relationship. It's quality time spent together. No because it doesn't matter when you see in the long run. I believe love doesn't need to go through test, cause you can only love one person and you channel all your resources on that person, giving your best and all.

12. Flowers or chocolates?
Sunflowers ^^. Chocolates are too tempting... i'll probably eat them myself haha..

13. Kiss on the first date?
That'll be nice haha...

14. Sex on the first date?
Absolutely not. I believe in consummation only after marriage. On further thoughts, sex isn't important to me.

15. What would you do if you find out that your girlfriend/ boyfriend is cheating on you?
Remorse. I would ask her who is really on her heart, then let her decide. The person I love need not have to love me, but I would still want to be her friend.

16. Have you ever cheated on someone?
No and I don't ever intend to.

17. Fling or long term relationship?
Long term relationship. Flings are worthless. It's like seeking the world. Temporary satisfaction. On the other hand, long term relationship has increasing returns to scale forever haha...

18. What do you think of holding hands in public?
Not necessary, but I want :P

19. What do you think of kissing in public?
The motive has to follow the emotion, rather than kissing to show off or anything hypocritical. Kissing is a genuine show of affection. Then kissing anywhere is a response to feelings. But no indecent sex in public.

20. What if your girlfriend/boyfriend is a smoker?
No way. It's destroying the temple of God. Smoking is detrimental to one's health and I'm absolutely turn off by girls who smoke. Add that to question 8.

21. Ever fell in love with a friend of the same sex?
No. And I'm strongly against it. As Mr Lenn puts it: "Unlike poles attract and like poles repel." It's against the Christian faith to indulge in homosexuality or whatever comes after it. God never created us to love someone of the same sex. It is by our own selfish desire and choice to follow evil.

22. What would a girl/guy have to do to win your heart?
That would almost be impossible, cause I would have to love her in the first place if she wants to win my heart. No one has tried yet so I wouldn't know if it can be done. She didn't do anything to make me like her. I love her because of who she is.

"I have not asked a girl out until I was 18." - Phua Chu Beng (PCK Pte Ltd)

Haha... pretty amusing statement. Not that there's anything wrong with it but it's like a parallel. Remembered the first time I asked a girl to go out with me. That was early June, just before the holidays. 6th of June to be precise =P We both did but not together ^^ still had fun though cause it was my first time and I met some absolutely IN people haha... so many fond memories.. not a time to get nostalgic.. besides it wasn't too long ago. I shall look back at my blog twenty years down the road and laugh at what I'm writing.

I met an ex-Chinese High Junior on the bus yesterday. He couldn't recognize me because I've changed a lot in my looks. I glad that he could still remember me though. This gives rise to a thought. Appearances change. I may not be able to recognize you. But I will remember you in my heart always. And before you all shoot off in the *ehem* direction, I want you all to know that wherever you all go, where I'm going, I won't forget the times we spent together. Awww.. haha...

"I would say the outlook is dark, but the up look is bright. I would say if you look around at your circumstances you are going to be discouraged. But if you look up the God who created this universe and to the nature of a God who cannot fail and who is absolutely perfect, you are going to be encouraged that He will bring about the greatest good in the long run." - Dr. Norman Geisler

I spent the whole morning playing GunBound with jason lim... good thing we stopped before lunch. Went to study at KFC with jeesiang and eric. Wish you both well for their chem paper tmr and on thurs. Don't choke on the questions!

This portion is kind of a personal response to Eric's blog. His uncle is pestering him to continue his studies overseas. Personally, I haven't got a plan what to do after serving NS. Seems like army has provided me with an outlet after my As. So to a certain extent, it has kind of provide me a route from wandering aimlessly in the wilderness (stoning and slacking around wasting time...)? Haven't really planned on what course to pursue in U. I know it's important to have a steady career that comes with proper goal setting and blah blah, and girls would prefer guys with a stable job and income (i dunno whether this one applies). Whatever is the case, I still treasure every moment I hold, which sounds kind of contradictory to my earlier response about stoning and slacking but that is really how I feel. Self commitment? Studying overseas will also mean to integrate into another unfamilar environment, which I'd properly die of culture shock haha... but again, I'm confident that i'm 1 with the natural ability to mix around without having too much difficulties. But if I know what my heart tells me, I need not follow anybody's desires or demands. Then again, I need to reassure myself of what I really want for myself, unless perhaps there's other commitments involved =P?

I'm going to be leading cell this coming Sunday! Thrilled and worried at the same time. Hope I do a good job, it should be serious yet full of fun and entertainment. I'm going to dedicate an hour daily to examining and sourcing out the truth. Topic is "If God is good, then why does evil still exist?" The past hour I spend was considerably fruitful, managed to obtain some articles online and read through them. Furthermore, got some verses with relevance to the theme - my foundation of arguments. Lord, help me to think of some ways to make cell this Sunday a time where everyone can enjoy and learn more about you.

"Do not be afraid," Samuel replied. "You have done all this evil; yet do not turn away from the LORD , but serve the LORD with all your heart. - 1 Samuel 12:20